Jordyn

• On the surface, this was a story about a frat party. Simultaneously, this was a story about a girl coming to terms with the fact that the boy she loves is not a good person. I really liked your use of description for the couple like, “molded bodies”. It reminds me of those overly PDA couples that you could see at any party. Similarly, I like that you added the detail that they keep running into each other as I’m sure we’ve all experienced that at a small school. Continuing with things I like- I really appreciated the use of different fonts to convey different emotions as well as seeing why you chose your title as the characters do seem to be attracted to each other no matter what. Lastly, I really appreciated the sense of “will they/won’t they” throughout the story as it seems even though they both know they’re not great for each other they can’t help themselves. For my suggestions, I think maybe making the difference between the first kiss and the present would make it a little bit of an easier read. Nonetheless I had fun with this!

Skyler 

• This was a story about a man in space, but deeper down it told the story of a man completely isolated and trying to cope. I had a great time reading this story as the setting makes for a great opportunity to explore isolation especially as we start to learn Alex may truly be alone in the world. The eulogies were also a nice touch, helping to orient the audience to the magnitude of Alex’s losses and how many people it actually takes to make a space mission function. There are also hints of Percy being imaginary sprinkled through the narrative which I really. Furthermore, I really like that you don’t really keep the audience guessing about why the mission is happening. Lastly, I love your last line. It feels nostalgic in some sense and it gives me a sense of relief to know that Alex is getting relief. My only suggestions for this story would maybe be to flesh out Percy a little bit. I was confused on what he meant by “you’ve made your choice”- has Alex finally come to terms with his isolation? And I think elaborating on Alex’s creation of Percy would make his function in the story less gimmicky. Thank you for sharing!

Lizzie 

• I appreciate your willingness to write sci-fi/ fantasy as I struggle with the genre myself and I think you did a good job with it. I like that you hint early in the story that humans are no longer the dominant species and the unanswered question of what happened to us makes me want to read more. I also really like your descriptions of how they have to travel around- it helped me get a sense of what their commutes are like without people being able to walk. With that being said, though, I have a lot of questions simply due to worldbuilding and my curiosity about the logistics of this world: 1) Is everyone in this world a merperson or are there other species? 2) Do they have gills? 3) How does being out of water affect them? Regardless of my questions, I still had fun reading this. 

Kenzi

• Starting off strong I really liked your intro paragraph. The description of falling painted a picture in my head and I really liked the descriptive words you used. I also really like Sunny’s introduction. Though I feel it verges into something more sinister than you intended (based on class discussion) it made me feel like Sunny is supposed to be a sort of foil to Q as the former is more “happy-go-lucky” in their disposition and the latter is a little bit more consumed in their sadness and problems. Speaking of your characters, I’ve been getting the vibes that Sunny isn’t real which is kind of a cool idea to work with. I only have a few suggestions for your story, the first being to maybe separate your dialogue from your paragraphs. It became a little difficult to read as the story progressed and I feel that would make it a little easier. Also, I don’t think I really understand your space rocks reference that you make in the last line, maybe expand on this or sprinkle it throughout the narrative?  On the surface, this is a story about a kid falling down a hole and finding that they’re not alone. But deeper down, I think this story is about finding a friend when you really need one and that is beautiful.

Brady 

• This is a story about demigods who are finding a safe haven in New York thanks to the help of our main characters, but it’s also a story about two guys just trying to go on a date. I really liked the surprise of reading about demigods- based on the title and the opening I thought this was going to be a simple story about trying to go on a first date but I’m pleased that it wasn’t. I think this element adds something to the story which I really appreciate. I also really liked how Oliver’s mood could be reflected through weather with him making rooms colder and accidentally creating a storm cloud above him is a really cute touch and I also think it’ll be useful as you continue with this story. You seem to pay a lot of attention to detail when it comes to Oliver and Isaac’s relationship and I think it pays off because it has me questioning if this date is going to be as straightforward as the characters are forcing themselves to believe. Only a few suggestions for your story: if possible try making your narrative more show than tell and I think it’ll seem less “clunky”. Also, after class I agree that we start with Isaac and kind of leave him hanging so I think I would like to see more of him as the story progresses.

Sophie

• This was a really strong start to a very strong story. I appreciate how much detail you put into the setting especially since we’re staying in a singular place for the duration of the narrative. I also really loved the feelings that your pieve evoked: I was able to remember my last Summer before going to college and all of the things I was dying to fit in before leaving everything I knew behind. I also really liked that you personified gravity as Nina seems to be in a constant battle with it. I had a really fun time with this so I only have a few suggestions- as I mentioned in class we as an audience don’t really get why Nina is all of a sudden forcing herself to go cliff diving when it doesn’t seem her friends really expect her to. I think introducing this idea will make her inclination more solid instead of “gimmicky” for lack of a better word. I also really liked the lists of things you included to characterize Nina as a person who’s in their head and can never find the right words, but sometimes it was really overwhelming. Maybe cutting down on the lists and adding dialogue from other characters speaking on her traits could remedy this? Thank you for sharing, it was a great read!

Jenna

• I really liked how immediately we are thrown into the confusion of hearing that the MC’s best friend has been in a car accident and she isn’t sure if he’s okay. I really appreciated that you got to the point and I think it works well as a frame to your story instead of us trying to get to know the characters and then hearing he’s been in an accident. I also did enjoy the idea of a split perspective but this left me to wonder if maybe this would flow better as separate entities. Perhaps fleshing out her POV and then his would eliminate some repetition that I found unnecessary at times and it would allow us to know the characters in their own right instead of flipping back and forth. Lastly, I like that you didn’t give them names. It lends an air of mystery to the story that’s already rooted in confusion and I found it easier to place myself in their shoes which I doubt I would be able to if you had named them. Only one question- do you see this being the end of your story? 

Kit

• This was a very fun story to read! On the surface it seems to be a girl very conflicted with doing the “right” thing for her ant colony that she is responsible for, but as we continue it becomes apparent that this is a story about the outcasts. I like that we learn later in the narrative that Argyle is trans. At first, I was genuinely curious about how far you could take a story about a girl accidentally letting her ants loose and how the audience could be captivated but after getting to that part I see why. Her backstory clarifies everything and I think it was really well done. Though I like the way your story is, maybe delving in more to either the instance with the boy crushing the ants and how that impacted her or maybe the struggles within her family so we can get more context? But honestly I think it’s great how it is.

Mackie

• I don’t know if this was your intention, but I was not able to root for these characters. I really liked your story and I can see the issues of human connection and problems that relationships could cause but something about Florence and Lincoln rubbed me the wrong way, but I hope you don’t take it as a critique. I think it’s difficult to write unlikeable characters that an audience wants more of but you were successful and I think that’s something to be proud of. I have a few suggestions- the first being maybe trim down some of the intro. I really like the intro to the party and the car ride with Lincoln but for a while I feel that we’re just kind of waiting for the next thing to happen. I also found it a little out of place that the friend commented on the situation between Lincoln and Florence so maybe adding in how the friends don’t like Angela and prefer Florence could strengthen that. Other than those things this was a good read!

Bridget

• I really liked this. As a person with a vague obsession with celestial bodies this played into my niche and I am incredibly happy about it. Your writing was beautiful and you were able to take a concept I’ve seen many people ponder and turn it into something tangible which is remarkable. I love your personification and characterization of Sun and Moon. You make them feel like real people which made it easier to be absorbed into the story. I also really liked the little celestial emblems you had to break up the story, it was very cute. I have no suggestions or comments for this story because I genuinely believe you did a great job. Thank you for sharing!

Izzy

• This was a very cute story. I really appreciated being introduced to the woman in the beginning and coming back to her as Mia’s mom in the end. I did guess it and it made it way more satisfying that that was actually the outcome and not some random thread. I also really liked your character names (haha). Mia is a lovely name for a girl and I’m glad you recognized it! I will say I feel it took a bit much to get to the meat of the story but once we got into the missing child plot I was interested in the development.

Cole

• This was so fun to read! I loved your opening line as it sets the scene to let the audience know that whatever is happening here is not normal. I also really appreciated you switching to a more handwriting looking font to portray the mother’s letter- I thought that was really creative. Another thing I liked was the concept in general. We’ve had a lot of stories about interpersonal relationships and slices of life and I like that yours takes a different approach allowing us to get a full range of different genres. I’m not sure if I missed it, but I think I would like more references to the fact that his brother is dead. It seemed like a random fact that was dropped on me and I think I would’ve appreciated it more had it been sprinkled throughout. Nonetheless, I had a fun time reading this. Thank you for sharing!

Cammy

• I like that you started us in the therapist’s office so we can immediately realize how dysfunctional this couple is. Furthermore, I appreciate that we already know who in the relationship is more into making it work based on the first line of dialogue. As I read your story, I did have a couple of suggestions in mind that I thought would make your story a little more digestible. First, it somewhat feels like you’re doing a lot of explaining instead of showing us. I feel like you don’t need an entire paragraph about the temperature dropping you could tell us Jen started putting on more layers. Also, I feel like your story is a little more essay than it is story but I’m not quite sure how to explain that. Overall, I really liked the concept of your story. I think you paint a nice picture of a dysfunctional couple trying to get it together but being thwarted by a hellish camping trip and I liked it. 

Gracie

• I really liked the plot of your story and I think you handled the theme of grief really well which isn’t surprising considering the psych major (lol). I liked the dynamic between the two characters, but I’m wondering if the narratives would be better separated? Like Jenna’s, I feel the constant switching might be taking away from the story and I would like to know how it would look if we were just with Devyn or just with Winter. This could also be solved if you did like 5 pages with Winter 5 with Devyn. One question before I go: What was Winter going to do at the ocean? Was she planning on jumping?

Scott

• I really liked reading this! I was a part of the original small group when this was only two pages and it’s really interesting to see the form this has taken on. I will say, I do miss some of those “extraneous” details from the first draft, but I can recognize that they were taking up some real estate. I really liked the plot of the narrator grieving over his girlfriend and I feel it nicely explains why he’s so deadpan for the entire first half. My only suggestion would be to sprinkle some more stuff about Marley through the story maybe. I liked the bits where he acknowledged she taught him about people watching and how to get out of his shell and I think the story could benefit from more instances like that or even if he saw a couple on the bus and longingly stared at them. This is a very longwinded way of saying I like the bomb drop of Marley being dead but I think I would like more hints/ info about her and them together.

Alexa

• This was really bittersweet and heartbreaking. I really loved that they were country- somehow that made it easier to picture the entire setting without you needing to explain much. I also really liked the path you took with this because when I first started reading it, I was nervous he was cheating or that their marriage was in shambles so I was pleasantly surprised to see that for the most part everything is okay and I got to witness a beautiful love story for a bit. I think you also did a really nice job with getting the audience invested in your characters- you get the feeling that Grace isn’t making it to the end of the story but somehow I found myself convincing myself she would.

Teresa

• This is a story about a young girl who hits a man with her car but deep down we could also see how anxiety corrupts people to do things they normally wouldn’t. I was able to see this in its original form when we did peer workshops and it’s so fun to see how it has developed. I like that you let the story flow instead of a flashback and then jump back to the present. I also really like the use of humor throughout the narrative as it balances out the intense tension. Only a couple of suggestions: I miss those couple of bits that insinuated her need for perfection because of her mom’s expectations which was present in your first draft. I also really think your structure would benefit from separating out the dialogue and some minor grammatical errors.

Alex

• This was really fun to read. A story about a mom who realizes repressing her emotions and need for help is negatively affecting her children (and marriage) through imagined dragon fighting is a really unique concept. I will say, some of the descriptions about where people were confused me a bit (but that could be just a me problem) and sometimes I felt like the flashbacks slowed the momentum of the children plot. And I also was really confused by the mugging plot line thrown in. Either way, I really enjoyed this!